If Final Fantasy VI Was Like Real Life
by Patches
Summary: A re-telling of FF6, with the wording slightly altered to make it utterly ridiculous. Forgive me, it is also terminally unfinished, as I discovered it on my hard drive a year after writing it, having completely forgotten about it.


These are the three scenarios......... sort of.

Part 1: Sabin

Sabin awoke on the banks of the Lete River in unfamiliar surroundings. The last thing he remembered was fighting with a really weird octopus, and then jumping off the raft to chase after it. Deciding not to worry just yet, he spotted a small house on the horizon and headed for it.

Once he got there, he found a chocobo-riding merchant at the door who bore an uncanny resemblance to an Imperial soldier. He decided to let it pass and bought a few tonics, even though he'd already gotten a bazillion of them in battle.

Sabin went into the house to see if he could get any information as to his whereabouts. After the old guy inside the house mistook him for a clock repairman, lawn service, mechanic, and carpenter, he decided that he wasn't going to get very far talking to him. So, Sabin just fell asleep in the old guy's bed. He awoke the next morning, and the old guy was still standing right where he was before, saying the same things he was before.

Shaking his head in annoyance, Sabin walked outside to find a mysterious stranger with a dog standing by the well. And the merchant was back and nearly ran him over, before leaving, seeing he wasn't going to get any business at that particular time.

"Uh, hello?" he addressed the ninja man. "I'm trying to get to Narshe. Do you by any chance know....?"

"I can show you how to get to Narshe," the ninja replied. "But I may leave at any time. You can call me Shadow. The Reaper is always one step behind me...."

"Oooh, scary," said Sabin, not really buying his attempt at semi-evilishness. "But I guess I could use a guide." The two joined forces and were soon on their way to parts unknown. Shortly thereafter, they came upon a forested area.

"They say that great evil creatures live in the forests," said Shadow. "Many creatures are stronger than those on the plains. But there is one creature in this area which is most dreaded by travelers. Let us hope that we do not come upon it."

Suddenly, a creature leapt out from behind a tree.

"Oh no!!" shouted Shadow. "There it is! The most dangerous, fearsome creature in the lands!"

Sabin blinked and looked around. "Where? I don't see any evil creatures."

"There!" said Shadow, pointing at the thing in front of them. "What, behind the bunny?" said Sabin.

"No, don't you see?! It is the bunny! That thing has a vicious temper....."

Sabin sighed. "You're getting all worked up over a bunny sitting on a head of cabbage?" He casually threw and Aura Bolt at the rabbit, blasting it to Kingdom Come (wherever that is). Sabin realized that it was a mistake to take this Shadow guy with him. The route to the next area was painfully obvious, the guy was quite a few levels behind him, and he was taking half the experience points away, even though he wouldn't be in the group for very long. But it wasn't like Sabin could just ditch the guy. The RPG rules forbade that. So, he had another idea.

The next battle they got in, Sabin fought the monsters, while something had magically gotten Shadow to start attacking himself. Pretty soon, the guy had killed himself (or wounded, or whatever), and Sabin had the experience points all to himself. Of course, now he had to figure out what to do with Shadow. He still couldn't leave him. He couldn't eat him (it wasn't kosher). He couldn't sell him. So, Sabin just dragged him around to battles, not really caring, considering he got a hefty amount of experience, gained a few levels, and got another bazillion tonics.

A while later, he came across the Imperial camp at Doma. Sneaking in was easy, as there were no guards around the place. He overheard a conversation between two disgruntled officers named Soldier A and Soldier B (their mothers must have been on the same creative wavelength). After the tension had cleared, Sabin walked out of his hiding place and pondered what to do. He paced in circles around one of the guards, and occasionally made faces at him, knowing that the guard couldn't see him unless he talked directly to him.

"What do you think we should do, Shadow?" Shadow just laid there. "Ah. I think we should keep quiet, too."

* * *

Meanwhile, at Doma castle, the Imperial soldiers had begun their attack. Okay, actually, they were just throwing themselves at the walls and not even making a dent, looking extremely pathetic, but aside from that...

Inside the castle, the sentries were beginning to worry. It would only take time for the soldiers to realize how to use the door, and they would stop bashing their heads against the walls trying to break in. Then all would be lost. As the sentries pondered their next move, the flute, timpani, and tambourine struck up a tune as their savior marched through the doors. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?" he said.

"It's Blue!" exclaimed one of the sentries. "You've come to save us, Blue?"

"My name is Cyan," he explained. "And we must defend this realm. Perhaps they will retreat if we fell their commander."

"Yeah, that's it!" said the sentry. "Leave it to old Blue to figure something out!"

Ignoring him, Cyan marched out the doors to face the enemy. He suddenly noticed that he now had access to a bunch of supplies that he had never noticed before. He pilfered the best stuff he could find and equipped some new armor and a couple relics. Whoever's stuff this was wouldn't mind.

Cyan went out and faced off the commander. He decided to use his most powerful SwordTech against him. So, he patiently waited for the little meter on his watch to get to "4", while the commander hacked away at him, before he invoked his Quadra Slam attack. And so the commander was defeated. The rest of the army fled without question, and Doma was safe again for the time being.

"Yea, way to go, Blue!" shouted the sentry. Cyan swore he was going to kill that guy.

* * *

Sabin got up to move once the scene had switched back to him. Dragging Shadow with him, he approached another part of the camp, where he could hear the General and another soldier talking.

"So," said Leo, "the citizens of Doma appear to be playing the waiting game."

"No, sir," said the soldier. "Our latest information indicates that they thought the waiting game was boring, so they are now playing Hungry Hungry Hippo."

"Ah, planning their strategy now, are they? Well, I guess that means that we should..."

"Hey, Lenny!" came a shout. General Leo flinched.

"Call me 'Leo'," he said, through clenched teeth. "The name 'Lenny' doesn't exactly strike fear into an enemy's heart."

"Aw, sorry, Lenny, but ya just got a letter from the Emperor and I think he wants ya to go back to the Empire home place, but he didn't exactly say why, so I think ya should go, cuz it's Emperor's orders and stuff, and he'd be pretty mad at ya, Lenny, if ya didn't go..."

"All right! That's enough! I get the point!" said General Leo, trying to hush the messenger before he made him look like even more of an idiot. "I'll go get my things together." With that, he walked off.

Sabin blinked a few times. "Lenny?" he said. Shadow didn't give a response, but just laid there still.

Suddenly, an evil laugh was heard. And since there's only one person in the world that is known for their evil laugh, who should show up but...

...a Tickle Me Elmo. A soldier sheepishly hid the red ball of fuzz behind his back and shuffled away. But that isn't important now. Back to what was happening...

Kefka showed up, excited that General Leo was leaving. Now he had the opportunity to invoke his sinister plan. "Now I can poison the river and take out all the citizens of Doma!" he said, so that anyone else paying attention would be clued in on what he was planning to do.

General Leo returned a moment later with traveling necessities, the letter from the Emperor, and a rock. What the rock was for is still a great mystery of the universe. He specifically ordered Kefka not to do anything rash (like that'll happen). With that, he departed for the wilderness and eventually got eaten by a frog. Oh wait, that was some hapless idiot who wandered onto the Veldt. Nevermind.

"Good, he's gone," said Kefka, stating the obvious. "Now's the time to dump the poison!"

Sabin put two and two together and came to the conclusion that poisoning the river would be hazardous to the environment, so he came out of hiding to confront Kefka. "That's inhuman!" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" said Kefka. "Who's trying to stop me? Some weird muscle man and a dead guy? Pathetic!"

"Hey, this is no ordinary dead guy! This is Shadow the dead guy!" With that, Sabin pummeled Kefka until he turned tail and ran away about twenty feet. Sabin pursued. But while Sabin wasn't looking, Shadow stood up and wandered after him. I guess the Man in Black was only mostly dead.

Sabin caught up to Kefka a second time, and Shadow was once again dead in the battle. After defeating him again, Kefka ran off. Before he chased after him, Sabin ran around and looted all the tents in the camp. Once he'd gotten a good haul, he returned his attention to Kefka, who sent some flunkies out to keep Sabin occupied.

Meanwhile, Kefka hurried to the river and fished around in his pockets for the poison. "Let's see... paper clip? No. Packet of sugar? No. Gum? No. Dehydrated water? No." He tossed out the items he mentioned as he listed them off. "Tamagotchi? No. Car keys? No. Poison? N-- oh, wait. That's what I was looking for." He laughed evilly as he emptied the poison into the river. "Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!"

* * *

A short while later at Doma castle, the inhabitants noticed that the water had become a strange pink color. Unable to come up with an explanation for it, one of the sentries suggested, "Hey, maybe the river turned to Kool-Aid."

Unable to resist some wildberry Kool-Aid, everyone made a mad dash for the river and drank as much as they could. Everyone, that is, except Cyan and the infamous sentry, who were too absorbed in an argument to notice anything.

"My name is Cyan! Not Blue!"

"Blue, Cyan. What's the difference?"

"There's a huge difference if it's my name!"

"I could call you Sargent Pepper...."

"That's Cayenne! I'm not a pepper!"

"Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?"

While that was going on, everyone else in the castle had drank the water and promptly died within five minutes. It took the two a few moments to notice.

"Cheyenne is the capital of Wyoming. That's not my name, either."

"Well, I still don't see what...... Hey, everyone's dead! Have we really been arguing that long?" 

* * *

Yes, sorry, that's all I have. If I could even begin to remember what sort of sugar-induced state of mind I was in when I wrote this, I'd continue it. But since I can't remember what sort of strange thoughts were going through my head at that time, this is as far as the story goes (well, if you've played the game, you know what happens later, anyway). 


End file.
